A Twitter case of Amul Baby

Image credits: Deccan Chronicle
Image credits: Deccan Chronicle

Have you watched this really cool Simi Garewal interview with Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh that’s more like a PTA meeting? No guesses for who the child is.

It’s like watching tragicomedy. Not because Rishi Kapoor is an *Amul baby (cos who doesn’t know that?) but because it made me wonder about Neetu Singh in the way that I sometimes wonder about my mother and her mother and everyone’s mothers – wouldn’t they all have been better off without marriages and Amul-baby husbands?

Yes yes, their choice, and like Neetu Singh repeatedly says – she has always wanted the life she now has. When Simi Garewal asks her if she could do over her life, would she still marry Rishi Kapoor? Neetu Singh loudly says YES.

But it was still amusing to watch that throughout the show, even though the Amul baby is worse than his twitter self; Neetu Singh is pretty much telling the world ‘listen up peeps don’t take my husband or his tweets seriously cos even I don’t. Plus he’s drunk out of his mind when he’s tweeting’

My favourite part of the interview was when Neetu Singh and Simi Garewal exchange looks over Rishi Kapoor’s horrible parenting skills. Simi Garewal is like that really sweet well-wishing, tch-tch-tching moral science teacher. ‘Please go home and think about what being a father really means to you’, she says.

I remember Neetu Singh as the lovely Salma Ali from Amar Akbar Anthony – the only film after Mr. India which I watched as a child over and over again. Simply because those were the only two video cassettes we had. I liked Parveen Babi the most because she was Christian in the film and back then I was fascinated with everything Christian.

I watched it again today and was smitten by Salma Ali – the doctor who is given one fleeting moment in a hospital scene where she is absorbed in her work despite being wooed by Akbar (Amul Baby) in the same shot.

A nurse comes running to tell her that a patient needs blood urgently. Ali begins to worry, Akbar says he’s leaving and she just brushes him off saying haan haan bye and gets back to brooding. It is a three second shot but delightful.

It is the same energy she brings to Comedy Nights with Kapil where the host asks her what it is like to have married into a khandaan full of super star actors and she says ‘Main bhi toh thi award-winning actress’ (I too was an award-winning actress)

It almost erased some terrible flashbacks about watching her instructing Ranbir Kapoor on Simi Garewal’s show. ‘Women come with either scissors or needle. They either break or make families. Pick a girl with a needle’

Needless to say, no matter what instruments they bring, what can you mend Amul babies with?

*What is an Amul baby?

Watch Dhanush’s VIP.


Featured Image credits: Deccan chronicle

Plot calling the kettle black

Kitty’s life had just changed 

I am going to write a short story about a girl whose life is just about to change 

The eagle is a majestic bird 

I have never been so happy in my life 

How do people find things to write about on days like these? Do I write about how happy I am to be 25 and free? Do I write about the relationship that was stable and different only moments ago? Do I write about more conversations overheard at Parisian Cafe? Do I write about my fears and how they keep changing?

I am scared about a lot of things. I am scared about life and the faint chance that I may not be able to live it the way I want to. The villains who feature in this plot are my father, the boyfriend and the family, largely.

Plot I

A lot of violence makes itself appear dramatically in these plots. The father becomes obsessed with using his power as the father to control rebellious daughter’s life; tries to get her married to some IAS officer who is, as the plot demands middle aged and supports Modi. Daughter fights. Father fights harder. Slaps her. Daughter escapes. Teary phone calls from grieving mother move her into making swift negotiations. But eventually she moves out and has a life of her own.

Plot II

Daughter has been accepted to some university exchange program and she is on her way to become the greatest writer of her generation. It’s miraculously an all expense paid program. Father doesn’t approve, protests strongly, wants daughter to be married off before she leaves home. Daughter runs. Dad and his goons chase daughter in government cars to the airport. They are late, she escapes. After a year of learning and travelling abroad and becoming hot, daughter returns. Dad and goons wait for her at the airport. Dad yanks her to the ambassador car and slaps her. Some really cool women protection service people come to her rescue and get her to file a restraining order against the father.

She moves out, continues to work where she previously did and all is fine.

A sadder alternative plot on days that I wake up with a bad mood always ends with the father or the boyfriend successfully enslaving her.

Plot III

Daughter rebels for as long as she can and finally gives in. She marries the IAS officer and torture ensues. The forgotten feminist in the daughter emerges and she kicks ass. She divorces the chutiya IAS officer and pursues a PhD abroad.

Plot IV (The scariest of all)

Feminist daughter wakes up one morning to realise her life’s been a farce so far, sees a betraying pointlessness in all her rebellions and decides that she has lived her life crazily enough and wishes to get back ‘on track’, you know, wanting a husband and kids and the whole fucking pack. She marries long term boyfriend – moves in with him and his family. Soon,  she quits her job to become good bahu and bestest mommy. One morning, as she stands by the big black gate, holding hubby’s lunch dabba and waiting for him to get his car out, she sees all the housewives on the street doing the same. Realizing the horror, she throws the dabba on her husband’s car and runs screaming back into the house. She divorces the husband, moves into an apartment and pursues independent life.

Such are the plots in my head, this is how they thicken when I am showering or cleaning my goddamn bathroom. If I were to live in my own head, which is what I do most days, I would be a full zombie by now.

I am not PMSing

And then there are days like these when somebody who really cares about you will strip reality and lay it bare for you to look at and wonder. It’s not something you have never heard of before. You have heard of it, but just in twisted ways. It is just something you have been taught to be really afraid of, something that your parents dread happening to you- which is the simple happiness of being alone. Now that I’m beyond being mad at society and all, I can look at this shit and continue being mad at them.

I mean, look around us – everybody and everything seem to be fixated upon instilling this fear of being alone in us. And they are doing it beautifully. They won’t come to you directly and tell you that it sucks to be alone, They will fill your head with a whole lot of crap about marriage and kids and family and love and this paranormal idea of ‘the one’. It’s a freaking conspiracy. Movies will take away 3 hours from your goddamned life just to tell you that there is someone out there for you and that your sole reason for existence is to go and find this person. T.V shows will be named after finding somebody significant in life and they will also run a whole set of 9 seasons to bloody tell you that the idea of ‘the one’ is real. And we buy this shit because we have been trained into believing that we need love and nourishment and that family is the most important thing and that human beings are incapable of living alone.

The only argument they have for pulling this shit is that we are not animals. And that because we live in society, we need order. But aren’t animals way happier than us? Why does this gross insistence on family life not acknowledge beauteous things like choice or options or even priorities for that matter.

Why does living alone have to be dreaded? Are we so disgusted with ourselves that just the thought of spending time with ourselves drives us into manifesting a whole civilization hell bent on forcing people to live with each other and produce babies? And aren’t there enough babies already? Somebody seriously has to start working on that. I mean, why are there so many babies? Is it legal?

Why are people force fed into this condition to have babies and in so much excess? First, you complain about not getting paid enough, then you go have babies? Why? Because some lame ass man wrote something crappy about marriage and kids? This baby thing is seriously scary man. And nobody seems at all worried about it.

Some really unhappily married couples couldn’t see that the others were unmarried and happy so they had to pull them into this mess. Whatever the reason, all around us is the barking mad view of a culture that doesn’t see choice as a way of life because it sees itself way too much.

Yes I am ranting because I am mad at this. I was 16 when I first fell in love and went straight into believing that I would live happily ever after with him. And I am still with him. So this is not a post break up angst. I just really think we need to look at living alone as a choice and not something that we should run away from, all our lives.