I cannot describe in too many words the elated feeling of ‘nothing-fucks-with-me-now’, when I hit the ‘publish’ button. It could have been happiness of a different world altogether if I could have hit the ‘publish’ button every day of the week. Maybe that can be my next challenge. But I am not complaining. There were days when I dreaded writing because I was too depressed to write. On one such occasion I discovered by accident, the joy of writing even as my mind was begging to shut off and sleep.
I was sulking, cursing and very depressed because of a love problem. I took a detour and started thinking about the last lake I saw. I had found my story idea – it was stupid and my mind kept rejecting it, partly because I was lazy, partly also because I wanted to open my journal and rant about love problems. I said screw you to both and wrote about the goddamn lake. Not my best, but it did make me believe that even on days that you want to curl up in bed with Dairy milk and Gilmore Girls and do nothing except wallow in self pity, you can still write.
I am not happy about most of my posts on the A- Z challenge but I am glad that some form of a writer is beginning to take over here. For the first time in months, I felt invulnerable. And it felt great. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.
It didn’t stay for long though because then I saw people and my invulnerability left me like color leaves my brother’s face when I hijack his room. It feels good to write every day though, even better when I don’t have to struggle for words. Having finished the challenge in over 2 months doesn’t exactly make me feel good about myself because this was supposed to be finished in 26 days. I am not even sure if I can write everyday now but I am writing more than I have ever written before and that is a happy thought. I also found that I can survive after having written and posted on the internet, bad poetry and short stories. I had to fight crazy urges to delete posts at all sorts of odd hours.
I am going to get me some wild drinks now because I feel splendidumdidum!